June once revolved solely around the end of the school year, the start of summer, sunshiny days spent vacationing and frolicking in the swimming pool or ocean. Bright, sparkly, gleeful, and carefree. A little over 16 years ago, when my then-fiance/now hubby's only wedding prep request was that we marry on June 1st, I was glad to add one of the most important events of my life to the revelry of June. So we married on that rainy June day in the mountains of Tennessee--the showers totally and completely brightened by the warm blanket of love and family in which we celebrated. June continued to be delightful, sunny perfection.
The first dent in that shiny month came six years later, when we suffered our third miscarriage. It happened around the middle of the month. The rest of that June, and that summer, was cloudy for me, as I quietly grieved and inwardly raged at the Universe. Trying to make sense of it all, I began reading about Buddhism and cosmic interconnectedness. I tried my hand at mediating. I eventually started back at school for another year of teaching Kindergarten. I thought often about the lyrics We all shine on, like the moon and the stars and the sun... The sun eventually shined for me again.
Three years later, the happiness of June would take another hit, as our beloved Gramps entered the hospital. He rallied initially, but soon declined beyond the possibility of recovery. I remember feeling gutted by how vulnerable he seemed laying in that hospital bed. Looking at my own one-year old son, I couldn't help but think about how Gramps was once someone's precious baby boy. He slipped away around the middle of June, and with him went a certain glowiness that never fully returned. Three years after mourning our Gramps over the strains of Oh, Danny Boy and honorary shots of Heineken (his favorite), our family endured another crushing loss.
Our golden-haired and golden-hearted Rosie. The best of us. Our most heartbreaking loss. Our youngest sister fought as courageously as any warrior in any battle. For six long months, she and our mom and brothers lived in the hospital and waged war (and were winning!) against two new lungs that were shirking their duty. Until--once again, around the middle of June--an inexplicable turn ripped her from us, from her family and her fiance...from her hopes and dreams for a second chance at life. A part of my heart will always rage at the Universe for the cruelty of her loss. I now understand that saying about life not being fair.
This June we all saw the month tainted by the horrific hatred carried out in Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, Jordan, Somalia, Turkey, and, of course, Orlando. Devastating. Potentially defining for us as a human race. I've watched the aftermath unfold and see so clearly that the cultivated fear and loathing in our world cannot--must not go on. We are all connected, like the water of a pond--what happens to some of us ripples out to the rest of us. All the superficial differences that we humans fight over don't really matter. We are so much more alike than different. Love, Respect, and Kindness must prevail. When will we finally see that?
So much sorrow amid June's sunshine. I can't reconcile it yet. And while I don't and won't wish the grains of time within the month away, it is generally no longer a month of carefree sparkliness for me. Maybe this will change with the coming years. Maybe it won't. I don't know. I only know that I try to take June one day at a time. I strive to focus as much as I can on the joyful moments spent with my hubby, bebes, family, friends--all my dear ones...feeling grateful for my love and best friend, our years together and the family we've built...celebrating the birthdays and other special days of our loved-ones...sitting on my parents' back porch as we talk and watch the sunset...teaching our kids to swim in the local pool...enjoying the longer daylight hours and their light streaming through our windows...squeezing in a "family show" before our bedtime ritual because "it's too light out to sleep, Mom!"...celebrating our Rosie's birthday with random kindnesses... cherishing the memories and love shared with those who have gone and those who remain.
